Loneliness

I realised that as much as I love the serenity of being alone, I hate being alone. Yeap, I'm a walking contradiction.

Another sleepless night. Seriously, what does a woman need to do to get some sleep around here?

It's 5am in the morning, and all I can think about is work. Funny because work was never my number one priority. Well, I have to admit, one of it being the reason stalking the ex of mine.

You know what I need? Sex, period. The warmth of the opposite sex and feelings detached like Rihanna's California King bed. Definitely need to get some of that. Heck, that's what I've been trying to get for the past two months, no luck in that. Who said it was an easy job for the girls? Imma gonna whack the head.

As much as I want some action, people have been telling me to play it safe. Get a dildo. But seriously, I prefer the real thing. No, I don't like to cuddle, but I like to be forced to cuddle. Might be a fetish there. Yeah baby, I like it rough.

I'm going practise abstinence now, and see where that gets me. *snicker Not because I want to, because there ain't no other way (don't you just love double negatives?).

Untitled

In life, we struggle, will we ever get there?

People say we should set our goals and be motivated to get there. What motivates us? There's a reason to get to the place or level you want to be. There's a goal but where's the motivation, if you have a goal, there should be the motivation.

What if, you're sick and tired of the situation, but you're not doing anything about it? You're weak, you're tired, you wish eveything could just die off like at the snap of a finger.

You don't want to fight anymore. You just want someone, someone special to be there for you. A shoulder to lie on. To tell you "it's going to be okay". I've been comforted oh so much, now emptiness is something I have to get used to. Life's not a fairy tale, so it definitely doesn't end with happy ever after. Yet, we're humans waiting for salvation, waiting to be saved, not from enemies, but from the darkness of our hearts.

I wish I was a bimbo, or maybe I am, just worried about the petty things like what to wear tomorrow, or how am I going to fix this chipped nail.

Everybody's got their problems. I just want to dwell in this sinful life. Drugs, alcohol and sex just so I can ignore and run away from this ache I have. That's how weak I am, to resort to alien substance to make myself feel better. Hopefully I'll find the strength to one day get up, sober.

Four months and counting

Dear Diary,

It sucks when it's late at night, and all you can think of is the guy that dumped you. Been trying so hard to look for a replacement so I can fill that ache in my heart. Apparently trying too hard is getting you no where.

It sucks being emo. It's like your life is on hold since the day he left you. Looking past my records, I should have been over him by now. Seriously, why mop over some guy who is not into you anyway? It's really frustrating. You look up and wonder if he's looking at the stars like you are under the same sky.

He's far away. Unreachable. Another country, yet there are so many things that remind me too much of him, of us, too much to take. One minute you're okay the next, you're crying your eyes out.

"It's better to be badder because badder is better" is what he used to say. He's a good kid, I smirked at times when he wants to act all tough or a bad boy when really, he's a good boy at heart.

I still can't forget the moment he broke off with me, he said " I was never a good boy to begin with" and the "I don't love you anymore" just seemed shady. Karma's a bitch and that's what I always say to my previous ex-es, that I have loved you but no more. The tables are turned and look at me now.

Now it's just ironic that it's happening to me. I start to doubt if it was just lust. It would have been better if it was just lust. And not asking so much from me. Past relationships are just past relationship, why can't I just own up to it and just admit that he doesn't love me anymore and move on.

Moving on, I think I'm doing it but every time I take one step forward I'll have to take two steps back. Am I not strong enough for this? I can't even make plans for my future studies just because it feel likes I'm going to be even further away from him. Obviously I am not over him, obviously I'm thinking I still have a chance with him. Chance of what? He won't even talk to me anymore.

Closure, is probably an excuse for me not to get over him. Of which, he never gave me either. The idea of getting his name tattooed on me is uber stupid, yet I'm thinking about it. Five years down the road, I'd probably have another boyfriend and blatantly laugh at my stupidity.

Life is beautiful, but I keep thinking, I don't mind if I die right now, because I have nothing to lose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, just that I realised I have no passion in life no more. I live for passion, and now I see myself crumble and fall and fail to see a reason to get up. For myself.

Love is not everything, everything happens for a reason. I see the logic, I just don't get the logic. It would be easy to let the brain do the talking and the heart can suck for all I care. But, it doesn't work that way.

I made it a point to not ramble on my blog, but I can never truely decide on one thing anyway. Tomorrow I'd probably look at this post and think what the fuck was I thinking the night before. Might even regret missing out on a big party because I was not feeling it.

All in all, I am just a weakling who can't accept defeat. I'm running away from reality and will always be this little girl who would never grow up. Sigh, I miss that girl who used to think that the sky's the limit. Now everything is... unreachable. I pray that some day, one day, I'll find my muse, my motivation,... perhaps, myself again.

Or maybe, he'll come back to me. Wishful thinking.

2 years later

I can never put my heart fully into something. See, once again I abandoned the blog, not that it has viewers anyway. So... I have been to Spain, Korea, graduated, had considerably long term boyfriend (past 3 months is considered long term XD)and had my heart ripped out for the past two years. Nothing's more fun than an interracial relationship. I've been having a nice read from My Korean Boyfriend blog. Maybe I should rename this as My Ex Korean Boyfriend. Lol. We had epic moments that I would like to share.


So yeah, maybe I'll blog again. Nothing is more creativity than an emo person LOL.


I don't think I'll do anymore manga updates, I kinda forced myself out of that addiction.

Turned on

My husband sent me screaming at the top of my lungs with his latest photoshoot. He made me a very very very happy woman. Next to the almost naked photo of yamapi (Tomohisa yamashita).


My damn hot husband



My damn hot underground lover

I feel like a perverted woman now.

p/s: Xiah JunSoo is korean spelling while JunSu is japanese spelling. So technically both spellings are correct. Please do not criticise me for this.

p/p/s: the nipples of men are these small?

Tagged

This is the first time I'm tagged.

By none other than Steph.

The Rules
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
3. Tag eight people at the end of this post and list their names.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving them a comment on their blogs.

To be honest, I can't think of 8 facts so this is the best I can do.

Random fact #1
I always wake up 15 minutes before class. Always.





Random fact #2
Always striving to having the perfect set of boobs (not plastic surgery, please)



Random fact #3
manga and anime addict. Can't stop once hooked on one.



Random fact #4
I have a husband.


I wish!

Random fact #5
I accumulate a week of underwear before washing them.



Random fact #6
I'm desperate.



Note: I'm 21.

Random fact #7
I like touching my friends' boobs.



Random fact #8
As a girl, I talk too much *beep* *beep*


There you have it, 8 freaking facts.

As for the eight people...
Can't think of any, so anybody who wants to do this, be my guest.

Nude bra

Bra alert!

Some of my friends decided to give me something I really need for my birthday.



Self adversive transparent bra.

I've discovered something amusing.



Instant boobs!

Let's take a zoom in, shall we?



I can hold a 20 cents coin with my breasts!

Practically everyone celebrated.



Thanks guys... I think.

Manga Announcement

Sorry for not updating. I'm sorry to say that I will not upload any manga for the time being because;

1. No internet connection (yes, my hostel sucks and don't worry I'm moving home in less than one month)

2. Exam (no study no play)

3. Burn most of my manga but I didn't list them so finding them is kinda hectic

4. No time!


Sorry for the inconvenience but if you could wait for few weeks, I will get back to you. Btw, I'll be done by 28 April.

Manga update

I should have update this a month ago but I got engrossed in reading those downloaded manga. I have a few things to celebrate. And this is why

1. Love celeb - complete (raw)
2. Love monster - complete (raw)
3. Beauty pop - until vol. 9 (raw)
4. Perfect girl evolution - till vol. 17 (raw)
5. Ouran high school! (forgot till where) (raw)
6. Ghost hunt - till vol.9 (raw)
7. God save our king - tll chapter 19 (raw)
8. a whole 15GB of manga of newly downloaded manga!

That's what I did during the chinese new year holidays. I can't download anymore now that I'm back in this hostel T.T

Of course, it'll take a while before I'll update the manga list. Some titles could be such a hectic.

I sleep better with chipster?

Cannot lar...


Also cannot lar


Even cannot lar


Ahhh...