Four months and counting

Dear Diary,

It sucks when it's late at night, and all you can think of is the guy that dumped you. Been trying so hard to look for a replacement so I can fill that ache in my heart. Apparently trying too hard is getting you no where.

It sucks being emo. It's like your life is on hold since the day he left you. Looking past my records, I should have been over him by now. Seriously, why mop over some guy who is not into you anyway? It's really frustrating. You look up and wonder if he's looking at the stars like you are under the same sky.

He's far away. Unreachable. Another country, yet there are so many things that remind me too much of him, of us, too much to take. One minute you're okay the next, you're crying your eyes out.

"It's better to be badder because badder is better" is what he used to say. He's a good kid, I smirked at times when he wants to act all tough or a bad boy when really, he's a good boy at heart.

I still can't forget the moment he broke off with me, he said " I was never a good boy to begin with" and the "I don't love you anymore" just seemed shady. Karma's a bitch and that's what I always say to my previous ex-es, that I have loved you but no more. The tables are turned and look at me now.

Now it's just ironic that it's happening to me. I start to doubt if it was just lust. It would have been better if it was just lust. And not asking so much from me. Past relationships are just past relationship, why can't I just own up to it and just admit that he doesn't love me anymore and move on.

Moving on, I think I'm doing it but every time I take one step forward I'll have to take two steps back. Am I not strong enough for this? I can't even make plans for my future studies just because it feel likes I'm going to be even further away from him. Obviously I am not over him, obviously I'm thinking I still have a chance with him. Chance of what? He won't even talk to me anymore.

Closure, is probably an excuse for me not to get over him. Of which, he never gave me either. The idea of getting his name tattooed on me is uber stupid, yet I'm thinking about it. Five years down the road, I'd probably have another boyfriend and blatantly laugh at my stupidity.

Life is beautiful, but I keep thinking, I don't mind if I die right now, because I have nothing to lose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, just that I realised I have no passion in life no more. I live for passion, and now I see myself crumble and fall and fail to see a reason to get up. For myself.

Love is not everything, everything happens for a reason. I see the logic, I just don't get the logic. It would be easy to let the brain do the talking and the heart can suck for all I care. But, it doesn't work that way.

I made it a point to not ramble on my blog, but I can never truely decide on one thing anyway. Tomorrow I'd probably look at this post and think what the fuck was I thinking the night before. Might even regret missing out on a big party because I was not feeling it.

All in all, I am just a weakling who can't accept defeat. I'm running away from reality and will always be this little girl who would never grow up. Sigh, I miss that girl who used to think that the sky's the limit. Now everything is... unreachable. I pray that some day, one day, I'll find my muse, my motivation,... perhaps, myself again.

Or maybe, he'll come back to me. Wishful thinking.