Monday, September 5, 2011


I realised that as much as I love the serenity of being alone, I hate being alone. Yeap, I'm a walking contradiction.

Another sleepless night. Seriously, what does a woman need to do to get some sleep around here?

It's 5am in the morning, and all I can think about is work. Funny because work was never my number one priority. Well, I have to admit, one of it being the reason stalking the ex of mine.

You know what I need? Sex, period. The warmth of the opposite sex and feelings detached like Rihanna's California King bed. Definitely need to get some of that. Heck, that's what I've been trying to get for the past two months, no luck in that. Who said it was an easy job for the girls? Imma gonna whack the head.

As much as I want some action, people have been telling me to play it safe. Get a dildo. But seriously, I prefer the real thing. No, I don't like to cuddle, but I like to be forced to cuddle. Might be a fetish there. Yeah baby, I like it rough.

I'm going practise abstinence now, and see where that gets me. *snicker Not because I want to, because there ain't no other way (don't you just love double negatives?).


In life, we struggle, will we ever get there?

People say we should set our goals and be motivated to get there. What motivates us? There's a reason to get to the place or level you want to be. There's a goal but where's the motivation, if you have a goal, there should be the motivation.

What if, you're sick and tired of the situation, but you're not doing anything about it? You're weak, you're tired, you wish eveything could just die off like at the snap of a finger.

You don't want to fight anymore. You just want someone, someone special to be there for you. A shoulder to lie on. To tell you "it's going to be okay". I've been comforted oh so much, now emptiness is something I have to get used to. Life's not a fairy tale, so it definitely doesn't end with happy ever after. Yet, we're humans waiting for salvation, waiting to be saved, not from enemies, but from the darkness of our hearts.

I wish I was a bimbo, or maybe I am, just worried about the petty things like what to wear tomorrow, or how am I going to fix this chipped nail.

Everybody's got their problems. I just want to dwell in this sinful life. Drugs, alcohol and sex just so I can ignore and run away from this ache I have. That's how weak I am, to resort to alien substance to make myself feel better. Hopefully I'll find the strength to one day get up, sober.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Four months and counting

Dear Diary,

It sucks when it's late at night, and all you can think of is the guy that dumped you. Been trying so hard to look for a replacement so I can fill that ache in my heart. Apparently trying too hard is getting you no where.

It sucks being emo. It's like your life is on hold since the day he left you. Looking past my records, I should have been over him by now. Seriously, why mop over some guy who is not into you anyway? It's really frustrating. You look up and wonder if he's looking at the stars like you are under the same sky.

He's far away. Unreachable. Another country, yet there are so many things that remind me too much of him, of us, too much to take. One minute you're okay the next, you're crying your eyes out.

"It's better to be badder because badder is better" is what he used to say. He's a good kid, I smirked at times when he wants to act all tough or a bad boy when really, he's a good boy at heart.

I still can't forget the moment he broke off with me, he said " I was never a good boy to begin with" and the "I don't love you anymore" just seemed shady. Karma's a bitch and that's what I always say to my previous ex-es, that I have loved you but no more. The tables are turned and look at me now.

Now it's just ironic that it's happening to me. I start to doubt if it was just lust. It would have been better if it was just lust. And not asking so much from me. Past relationships are just past relationship, why can't I just own up to it and just admit that he doesn't love me anymore and move on.

Moving on, I think I'm doing it but every time I take one step forward I'll have to take two steps back. Am I not strong enough for this? I can't even make plans for my future studies just because it feel likes I'm going to be even further away from him. Obviously I am not over him, obviously I'm thinking I still have a chance with him. Chance of what? He won't even talk to me anymore.

Closure, is probably an excuse for me not to get over him. Of which, he never gave me either. The idea of getting his name tattooed on me is uber stupid, yet I'm thinking about it. Five years down the road, I'd probably have another boyfriend and blatantly laugh at my stupidity.

Life is beautiful, but I keep thinking, I don't mind if I die right now, because I have nothing to lose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, just that I realised I have no passion in life no more. I live for passion, and now I see myself crumble and fall and fail to see a reason to get up. For myself.

Love is not everything, everything happens for a reason. I see the logic, I just don't get the logic. It would be easy to let the brain do the talking and the heart can suck for all I care. But, it doesn't work that way.

I made it a point to not ramble on my blog, but I can never truely decide on one thing anyway. Tomorrow I'd probably look at this post and think what the fuck was I thinking the night before. Might even regret missing out on a big party because I was not feeling it.

All in all, I am just a weakling who can't accept defeat. I'm running away from reality and will always be this little girl who would never grow up. Sigh, I miss that girl who used to think that the sky's the limit. Now everything is... unreachable. I pray that some day, one day, I'll find my muse, my motivation,... perhaps, myself again.

Or maybe, he'll come back to me. Wishful thinking.