Affair

It's times like this I want to betray everybody around me.

My boyfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  At this point, I feel like having an affair with another man. He's away.

And then he'll abandon me like everyone else. Nothing lasts. Everything dies.

I don't deserve anyone.  I can only be someone's mistress. The one that gets fingers pointed at. Disgusting. Dirty. Ugly. Foul. Useless.

I feel better

I seem to get hurt easily by the slightest offense or provoke. The tendency of always wanting to be in the good side of people is killing me. The sorrow and depression don't want to leave me.

So I found a way...

Yes, I found a way! All this pain seems to leave me when I inflict pain to myself.

It feels so GOOD! I repeatedly threw myself down the stairs. The more painful it becomes, the better I'd feel.

I'm enjoying it. I know it sounds sadistic but it works!

I live this life, alone

La vida, es mejor que nunca conozca. Es posible que la pena sea más tremenda que la felicidad. Pero, la vida no es completa sin los dos. La vida, es mejor, nunca me lo de demasiada felicidad porque la pena que se equivale el valor, ya no puedo aguantar nunca más...

I never mentioned this, but everytime Chris screws me over (when I stalk his facebook wall), I turn to this guy at work. But now, when I am particularly down. Even my fling is moving on.

I guess I'm not the kind of girl a guy would want to date. Have sex?Yes, girlfriend? No. I never experienced been brought home, or being the profile photo of my past boyfriends... It's as though I'm an embarrassment. I guess I am.

A walking zombie, with a smile telling people I'm okay. Convince myself I'm gonna be. Do I believe it? Maybe.

People live a pretentious life, don't they?

It's over

Every tingly bad omen I get, comes true.

In this case, I suspect my ex has a new girlfriend. Yes, I'm still stalking him.

And he is moving on. Although my brain has told me this a million times, but still, my hearts says... Maybe, maybe he still loves me. Maybe there's more to what meets the eye.

Boy, was my heart wrong. We hadn't spoke ever since the breakup. Not because I don't want to, because he wouldn't reply.

Finally, I private messaged him and he said he's seeing someone new. Of course, I thought he would never reply me. Offering me a gimpse of hope that maybe we will be back together again.

He is happy. Happy with her. It's time for me to move on. Better said than done.

I loved him, still do, and always will.

People say you will not be with the one you love the most. I wanted to challenge that. Apparently, I lost.

They say, you have to live better and show him what he is missing out. But this is not a competition for me, he didn't do me wrong, love just died out, for him.

I hope I survive this, then again, I hope tomorrow never comes.

My heart,... stay strong for me.

Like it was yesterday

Recently I have been working myself to death.

As much pleasure I've found being busy, I lose the capability to think. On top of it, I was getting satisfied, or should I say, sexafied.

Now that I've got my long awaited holiday, the sex stopped, sadly. And here I found myself thinking about the things I've been avoiding.

Might be the hormones, because shortly, I started crying like the day he broke my heart. I've been hypnotising myself he's not coming back, so how come I'm fantasizing he is again? It's gonna be a while till I am able to control myself again. Not to mentioned, I'm starting to get little outburst. As much as I would like to play the game where I'm friends with everyone, people are starting to tick me off. My fake face is slipping.

Sure, I'm getting a raise at work, but I'm not happy. Period. People say, I should be happy with what I have, because I'm more fortunate than anyone else. But, I'm not happy.

I live for passion. If the passion is dead, you might as well hold a gun and shoot me.

My passion, has left me long gone, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Pathetic. I'm planning a trip to visit him. Stupid. Yet, I'm doing it. What am I pining for? For him to want me back. Possibly. For him to give me one last final blow and that one last hope is gone, that I can either end my life or move on with him. I'm such a loser.

Loneliness

I realised that as much as I love the serenity of being alone, I hate being alone. Yeap, I'm a walking contradiction.

Another sleepless night. Seriously, what does a woman need to do to get some sleep around here?

It's 5am in the morning, and all I can think about is work. Funny because work was never my number one priority. Well, I have to admit, one of it being the reason stalking the ex of mine.

You know what I need? Sex, period. The warmth of the opposite sex and feelings detached like Rihanna's California King bed. Definitely need to get some of that. Heck, that's what I've been trying to get for the past two months, no luck in that. Who said it was an easy job for the girls? Imma gonna whack the head.

As much as I want some action, people have been telling me to play it safe. Get a dildo. But seriously, I prefer the real thing. No, I don't like to cuddle, but I like to be forced to cuddle. Might be a fetish there. Yeah baby, I like it rough.

I'm going practise abstinence now, and see where that gets me. *snicker Not because I want to, because there ain't no other way (don't you just love double negatives?).

Untitled

In life, we struggle, will we ever get there?

People say we should set our goals and be motivated to get there. What motivates us? There's a reason to get to the place or level you want to be. There's a goal but where's the motivation, if you have a goal, there should be the motivation.

What if, you're sick and tired of the situation, but you're not doing anything about it? You're weak, you're tired, you wish eveything could just die off like at the snap of a finger.

You don't want to fight anymore. You just want someone, someone special to be there for you. A shoulder to lie on. To tell you "it's going to be okay". I've been comforted oh so much, now emptiness is something I have to get used to. Life's not a fairy tale, so it definitely doesn't end with happy ever after. Yet, we're humans waiting for salvation, waiting to be saved, not from enemies, but from the darkness of our hearts.

I wish I was a bimbo, or maybe I am, just worried about the petty things like what to wear tomorrow, or how am I going to fix this chipped nail.

Everybody's got their problems. I just want to dwell in this sinful life. Drugs, alcohol and sex just so I can ignore and run away from this ache I have. That's how weak I am, to resort to alien substance to make myself feel better. Hopefully I'll find the strength to one day get up, sober.

Four months and counting

Dear Diary,

It sucks when it's late at night, and all you can think of is the guy that dumped you. Been trying so hard to look for a replacement so I can fill that ache in my heart. Apparently trying too hard is getting you no where.

It sucks being emo. It's like your life is on hold since the day he left you. Looking past my records, I should have been over him by now. Seriously, why mop over some guy who is not into you anyway? It's really frustrating. You look up and wonder if he's looking at the stars like you are under the same sky.

He's far away. Unreachable. Another country, yet there are so many things that remind me too much of him, of us, too much to take. One minute you're okay the next, you're crying your eyes out.

"It's better to be badder because badder is better" is what he used to say. He's a good kid, I smirked at times when he wants to act all tough or a bad boy when really, he's a good boy at heart.

I still can't forget the moment he broke off with me, he said " I was never a good boy to begin with" and the "I don't love you anymore" just seemed shady. Karma's a bitch and that's what I always say to my previous ex-es, that I have loved you but no more. The tables are turned and look at me now.

Now it's just ironic that it's happening to me. I start to doubt if it was just lust. It would have been better if it was just lust. And not asking so much from me. Past relationships are just past relationship, why can't I just own up to it and just admit that he doesn't love me anymore and move on.

Moving on, I think I'm doing it but every time I take one step forward I'll have to take two steps back. Am I not strong enough for this? I can't even make plans for my future studies just because it feel likes I'm going to be even further away from him. Obviously I am not over him, obviously I'm thinking I still have a chance with him. Chance of what? He won't even talk to me anymore.

Closure, is probably an excuse for me not to get over him. Of which, he never gave me either. The idea of getting his name tattooed on me is uber stupid, yet I'm thinking about it. Five years down the road, I'd probably have another boyfriend and blatantly laugh at my stupidity.

Life is beautiful, but I keep thinking, I don't mind if I die right now, because I have nothing to lose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, just that I realised I have no passion in life no more. I live for passion, and now I see myself crumble and fall and fail to see a reason to get up. For myself.

Love is not everything, everything happens for a reason. I see the logic, I just don't get the logic. It would be easy to let the brain do the talking and the heart can suck for all I care. But, it doesn't work that way.

I made it a point to not ramble on my blog, but I can never truely decide on one thing anyway. Tomorrow I'd probably look at this post and think what the fuck was I thinking the night before. Might even regret missing out on a big party because I was not feeling it.

All in all, I am just a weakling who can't accept defeat. I'm running away from reality and will always be this little girl who would never grow up. Sigh, I miss that girl who used to think that the sky's the limit. Now everything is... unreachable. I pray that some day, one day, I'll find my muse, my motivation,... perhaps, myself again.

Or maybe, he'll come back to me. Wishful thinking.

2 years later

I can never put my heart fully into something. See, once again I abandoned the blog, not that it has viewers anyway. So... I have been to Spain, Korea, graduated, had considerably long term boyfriend (past 3 months is considered long term XD)and had my heart ripped out for the past two years. Nothing's more fun than an interracial relationship. I've been having a nice read from My Korean Boyfriend blog. Maybe I should rename this as My Ex Korean Boyfriend. Lol. We had epic moments that I would like to share.


So yeah, maybe I'll blog again. Nothing is more creativity than an emo person LOL.


I don't think I'll do anymore manga updates, I kinda forced myself out of that addiction.

Turned on

My husband sent me screaming at the top of my lungs with his latest photoshoot. He made me a very very very happy woman. Next to the almost naked photo of yamapi (Tomohisa yamashita).


My damn hot husband



My damn hot underground lover

I feel like a perverted woman now.

p/s: Xiah JunSoo is korean spelling while JunSu is japanese spelling. So technically both spellings are correct. Please do not criticise me for this.

p/p/s: the nipples of men are these small?